free games to print for showers

where can i get free baby showers game and print them using my printing

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Place to print free blank baby blue baby shower bingo cards
My mom is looking for a website to print out black baby blue baby shower bingo cards for a game Sunday but I can't find any place to print them out. I think only pastel colors work on my printer and I need them baby blue anyway but I can't find a website that has customizable free bingo cards. In fact, I can't find a place at all that has pastel colored bingo cards. They're all black, dark blue, dark red, or dark green or else the pastel ones cost and have to be shipped to me and I have to have them by Sunday and don't have like $30 for blank bingo cards. Please can you tell me a place where I can find baby blue bingo cards that I can print out for free. Thanks!!
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Trip to China cheated by Ming Ming Travel Service

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Can you read the first little bit of my novelthanks for your timejust a few paragraphs would be great
Chapter One The white, warm sand rubbing against my body soothingly. The colorful palm trees is all the rave. Crisp, clear refreshing ocean tumbling into the beach with great determination. All you see is beautiful people wearing nothing but beautiful bathing suits which they probably spent hours and hours trying to find, to get something spectacular. I look back and see this magnificent hotel complex and all of the amenities I could possibly think of. The cool ocean breeze flows over my body while the sun beams light to give me a wonderful free tan. A perfect bronze with a hint of red which will hopefully turn to tan later. A nice refreshing glass of cola filled to the brim with crushed ice and of course the cool sun umbrella. This is so relaxing and wonderful. This is the life. Nothing can wreck this perfect moment. Wait, this is to good to be true. ARG. ARG. ARG. ARG. I knew it! I knew it! It was just a dream again! I can't believe I had that dream again. This is unbelievable. This is the third time this week that I've had this dream and I want it to come true. Too bad I'll never be able to go on vacation. Well it's six o clock. Sorry for all of that fuss but I am just so sick of having that dream. I quickly hop into the shower and wonder whether I will ever get to experience what I experience in my dream. I mean everything is so calm and peaceful I just can't understand why I keep on having that dream. Everything is so perfect, there has to be more to that dream than that. Maybe tonight it will be extended so I can see what's happening. It's probably a sign. Maybe, no never mind. I put some bread in the toaster, I'm still half asleep but I have to hurry up so I can catch the carpool with Jacob. Every other day or so we switch drivers so that we use up less gas. Jacob is totally my best friend in the whole world and I hope he will always be. We are always there for each other when one of us needs a helping hand. I grab my toast, spread some peanut butter on it and head out the door to make my way down to the parking lot where I wait for Jacob to show up. He's a little tardy, sometimes more than others but that's just who he is and as best friends, we have to live with each others annoyances. A few minutes later I see Jacob running out of the building like there was a huge fire in the building. I quickly look up out of habit but see that Jacob just wanted to hurry to the car because we are a couple of minutes late and usually with traffic, a couple here adds ten somewhere else. We both hop into the car once Jacob beeps the horn to signal that the Burnt Orange 2008 Ford Edge is unlocked. Jacob puts the sport utility vehicle (SUV) into reverse and speedily races through the parking lot of the apartment condos backwards. After almost hitting a pole I yell at him to put it in drive and he listened for his life, literally. If you know what and where Toronto is and have ever been there then you know where Jacob and I (Mark) live. By the way, I'm Mark Hatchet. You won't notice my name often through the story because it is written in first person. If your doing some school project about a character then you should probably know some things about me but your not getting off easy because I am going to scatter information about me all over this novel and by the end you will know me like I'm your best friend. Any who which is not a word but it sounds cool, Toronto is Canada's biggest city. If you are not familiar with Canada then check the globe! All Americans should know where Toronto is and that it's near Buffalo. So now at least some of you know where I am. Jacob and I live right near the 401 which is a convenient highway but usually has traffic. We speed down the on ramp to find that we can zip around cars as we fly a couple of kilometers over the speed limit. I look back to see people giving us the finger and of course hear honking from all directions but we could care less. As long as we don't die we are better off doing this. Jacob sees a police officer a few hundred meters up so he slows down just enough to the speed limit, once he was past the cop he raced onto the off ramp and we were once again racing towards our school. You can see the navy and gold colored sign with big block letters reading: St. Anne Catholic High School. It was a big school but all schools in the city are big so I can't really justify. It was a nice looking basically brand new school with a pretty tan brick color and a nice light tan stucco around doors and windows which made it look more like a upscale shopping plaza then a school. Jacob makes a left into the school parking lot then slows down and drives carefully through the lot to the back, basically opposite of how he drove through our condo parking lot! I opened the large metal door and checked my watch, it read eight twenty five which means I have one minute to get to class. For some reason, classes started at eight twenty six which to me is an odd time but I can't change that so I jog up the stairs to the second floor saying bye to Jacob on the way. I don't remember classroom numbers so I remember third door on the right from back entrance up the stairs. Some people wonder why I find that easier but I just do. It makes more sense to me than trying to find room number 214. I mean where's 214 anyway. I open the door with my binder and pencil in hand and quietly find a seat near the front. I have bad eyesight but don't wish to wear glasses so I just sit near the front board. I understand lessons better that way anyway. First period is my favorite subject, English. I have always loved English from poetry to novels to anything related to English. But there is something I don't like about English this year and that's the teacher. Mrs. Walkworth. Mrs. Walkworth is most probably the meanest teacher at this school and I should know because it’s my last year here and I’ve had my fair share of mean teachers but this one tops it off. Saying Mrs. Walkworth in our school makes people cringe. I can honestly say that people egg her classroom window once a month not to mention her house. Nobody is allowed to say anything unless called upon. We are not allowed to get help from anyone at anytime and we never work in pairs or groups. Mrs. Walkworth thinks that working independently makes us smarter which I do agree with because we have to figure problems out on our own but we also need people skills to communicate in English but she doesn’t seem to think so. Mrs. Walkworth is about the total opposite from a people person. She probably lives in a cave wear nobody ever visits her or talks to her on the telephone or even e-mails her. Another reason people are scared of her is her punishments. For example, if you get caught chewing gum in her class she used the slap students across the face and dangle them out the window but since she’s not allowed to do that anymore, she makes the student stretch the gum over his or her face for the rest of the day, and when we have our next assembly, she makes the student chew five pieces of gum (at home of course) then stretch the five pieces over his or her entire body and make a one hundred word speech about not chewing gum in school and it also has to include how great Mrs. Walkworth is. The student then goes into detention for the next month. Yikes! And some people thought detention for a day was bad for chewing gum. Finally, the last reason why people don’t like her and are scared of her are because of the way she looks. Her face is all crinkled up and when she talks she has a raspy sound and her hands tremble with great strength. She weighs about one hundred pounds and she is very tall therefore extremely skinny and she always wears the same clothes. She owns three tops; a blue sleeveless one, a red t shirt that says teacher of the year 1989 and a very ugly faded purple sweater. I’m pretty sure she only wears one pair of pants and they are black with blue polka dots on them. No joke. Teens at our school seem to think she’s 90 years old but nobody knows for sure. Mrs. Walkworth begins with her lesson and tells us to read pages 80-199 for homework and complete a thirty question quiz for tomorrow. I guess we got off easy tonight. Usually it takes me about four hours each night for her homework and looking over what I have to do tonight it might only take a couple of hours. As soon as the bell rings in Mrs. Walkworth’s class, everybody runs out. Students have respect for all teachers besides her. Everyone waits patiently until the teacher says they are dismissed but in her class everyone literally runs! Down the stairs ahead for four classrooms, hang a left and it’s the second door on the right. That’s my next class. At noon thirty the bell rings for half of the school to have lunch. They built the cafeteria to only hold half of the school so it wouldn’t get out of control. I get in line to buy a salad and some pizza and I see our group sitting down at our usual table. Each member of our group is known for something they are good at, we all have different personalities and strengths so we complete each other. Our group includes; me (the English dude), Jacob (the jockey), Sam (the Intelligent one), Rob (the science geek), Nick (the mapmaker), Kyle (the rich kid), Alicia (the drama queen) and Jordan (the quiet kid). Everyday we sit at the same table with the same people and have done that since day one of this year. Some of us were friends last year but because of the two lunches we didn’t have the same lunch and you never have the same class with anybody you knew before so you make new subject buddies but those are just buds who you partner with during that subject. It’s the lunchtime friends who you hang with after school. Once we are all seated we talk about some teen stuff and decide what movie we should see this weekend. Every weekend or so we try to go to the movies together. It usually ends up being a big fight so we chose to become a democracy and vote each week what movie each of us wanted to see. People walk by our table and wonder what the bleep we’re doing but who cares, not us. We don’t need to act popular, we have our own friend group which we are already apart of. We don’t need to impress anybody, nobody does. We just be ourselves and we are friends for who we are not what we are trying to be. We decide on a movie and continue the discussions. By ten o clock that night I was exhausted by all of Mrs. Walkworth’s homework. Two of the questions were mini projects and took a lot longer than expected, by the time I was done it was midnight and I hadn’t even started on any of the other homework given by the other teachers. This is ridiculous I think to myself. How can she wreck the best subject in the world? I feel a blast of energy actually of hatred and I want to go throw a rock through her window but I’m better than that so I decide not to. I have about another hour of homework and I’m already tired, I better get to work. ******************************************** The white warm sand rubbing against my body soothingly. The colorful palm trees is all the rave. Crisp, clear refreshing ocean tumbling into the beach with great determination. All you see is beautiful people wearing nothing but beautiful bathing suits which they probably spent hours and hours trying to find something spectacular. I look back and see this magnificent hotel complex and all of the amenities I could possibly think of. The cool ocean breeze flows over my body while the sun beams light to give me a wonderful free tan. A perfect bronze with a hint of red which will turn to tan later. A nice refreshing glass of cola filled to the brim with crushed ice and of course the cool sun umbrella. This is so relaxing and wonderful. This is the life. Nothing can wreck this perfect moment. Wait, this is to good to be true. ARG. ARG. ARG. ARG. I wake up with such great hatred toward that stupid dream that I pull my alarm clock out of the wall socket and chuck it at my wall. My mom quickly rushes into my room to see what was up. "Sorry mom but I had that dream again, you know about the sand in some tropical place," I say apologetically. "Mark, you know I want to take you someplace but since your father died we haven't had much income coming in from my job to take you anywhere," mom replies. "I know, it's obviously not your fault and it's not mine either, I'm just tired of having that dream," I cry (not literally). Mom walks out of my room and I begin my daily wake up routine in which I do every school day. I am so fed up with that dream and I'm so fed up with Mrs. Bleeping Walk Bleeping Worth I could just go insane! I begin to shake and also begin to worry about my shaking. Am I going insane? I need to calm down. I put my iPod on and listen to my favorite music, that always seems to calm me down. ****** Once I get into Mrs. Walkworth's classroom I walk straight up to her and tell her, "You need to give out less homework. I was up to one o clock in the morning doing English, I can't stand you! You ruined my favorite subject and you're ruining everyone's lives!" I look around the classroom to see if anybody had heard what I said and they did. People began to clap for me once I finished. It felt really good to have everyone appreciate what I did. Mrs. Walkworth had an ugly look which I wanted but she didn't say anything , I kind of wanted a detention or write a speech then I could slip some information to all the students and teachers watching but she said nothing. I stared at her looking like I wanted an answer and then she sighed, "I have been giving out a lot of homework lately and I'm really sorry class. My husband left a few months ago and I've been really upset. The reason I've been upset since I've been at this school is because my brother got to go to a better university than I did then became what I wanted to become, a doctor. My parents forced me to become a teacher and I hated it so I decided that I would take it out on the students I was forced to teach, I am so sorry to you all," says Mrs. Walkworth with flowing tears. Everybody is silenced. I walk up to and give her a big hug. I don't know why we are all such jerks. This poor lady has gone through heck and back and here I am lecturing her about her teaching. Everyone that threw a rock at her window or egged her window should be ashamed. "I'm so sorry Mrs. Walkworth, I had no idea, I was so selfish," I say crying (literally this time). Usually when a boy cries at school he is made fun of but not today, I look around the room and everyone including the boys had tears. We were so mean to her behind her back and everyone felt so bad. "I think everyone in this classroom including me should be ashamed of themselves, now let's move on with today's work. I promise I will not give out as much homework any more. Heck, tonight, no homework," says Mrs. Walkworth with a smile for once. Applause fills the room again but this time it was for a good reason. You should never judge a book by the cover or the homework it (she) gives out. By the end of the school day everybody knew the Mrs. Walkworth story and teens from all over were coming up to her apologizing for what they did and she also apologized to everyone that came up to her. It was a happy day at St. Anne's today. It should be like a holiday or something, Mrs. Walkworth is like happy and like oh my goodness we should celebrate. Once I got home I saw my mom lying down on the couch crying, I wonder what is wrong. I ask immediately and she says that she was upset about Dad dying and she can't pull herself together. "Mom, we have to get over this. Yes it's sad but life goes on," I say sweetly. "You’re never going to be able to go on your trip though," cried mom. "You don't know that, never have doubt," I say with pride for some weird reason. Mom sits up and I sit next to her on the couch and to my surprise I see a commercial. WOW! A commercial, haven't seen one of those since like the last time I watched television but this commercial was calling out to me. I watched intently; Are you smart? Do you want to go to Mexico? Do you live in Toronto or in the GTA? Then send your information to 178 B....... "Mom, can you believe this, last night in my dream I saw a sign saying Mexico, that's where my dream is taking place, this is a huge sign! " I yell excitedly as I jump up and down. I log onto my computer and find the website, there I print out the information sheet that needs to be filled out. Of course I could do it over the net but I don't trust all of those freaks who want my information. With a black pen I write down everything from my age to my address to my hobbies to my IQ. I fold the pieces of paper two times and neatly stuff it into the envelope and lick it closed. "Do you want me to take you to the post office right now? I have to get some groceries anyway," mom calls from the living room. She is now not crying and actually excited and happy. She wants to see me happy which of course I am. I open the large mail bin flap and slip the letter proudly into the box and close the movable door. I put a big smile on my face and walk back into the car. I think about going to Mexico and all the great fun I'll have. I wonder weather I should take mom or Jacob? I get into the car and ask, "Mom let's say that I get accepted onto the show and I win the trip to Mexico, I can bring a guest. I want to bring you but I think it would be more fun with Jacob, no offence," I say hoping that she'll say okay take Jacob. "I want you to have fun on this vacation but I also want you to be safe in a foreign country. I have an idea, how about you take Jacob as your guest then I fly down with you guys and stay in your room. You can totally ignore me if you'd like," she says. "Mom, wouldn't that be kind of awkward, can just me and Jacob go, I mean I probably won't get on to the show but if I do?" I ask. "Mark, I don't know, I'm going to have to think about it and if and when you do win I'll give you an answer," explains mom and I nod with agreement. I really don't want my mom in the room with Jacob and I, it would be really awkward but then I think that I'm probably not going to win anyway so I blow it off. In the night I don't dream the same vacation dream that I usually dream, this time I dream that I am all alone in the hotel looking for Jacob who seems to be lost, I can't find him then I wake up. I decide not to tell mom about the dream because then she would say it was a sign and that I'm defiantly not going. It can't be a sign, I mean come on, it's just a dream. Weird things happen in dreams all of the time. Nothing actually happens. But what if it is a sign? What if I do win and I go with Jacob and he goes missing? I start to get nervous and then shake my head which seemed to relax my nerves. There's probably more to the story I mean dream than what I saw last night. Maybe tonight I will dream the dream again but I find him at the restaurant or the pool or oh I have to call Jacob. I pick up the phone and dial Jacob's cell number. I don't care how early it is, I need to talk to him about this ordeal. "Hi Jacob, ummm.. were do I begin? I saw this television commercial last night about a new game show coming to Toronto so I sent an application form in and if you win you get to go to Mexico with a friend and ummm... I had this dream last night that we were in the hotel and you were erere missing. I know it's just a dream but for the last oh I can't even remember I've been having this dream that I'm in this warm tropical place and I have it over and over each night basically until last night when I had the dream about you being missing. I feel it's the next part of the story. This is really weird and it's kind of really freaking me out. I can't help but wonder what's going to happen," I say with a shake in my voice, it felt so good to tell Jacob this whole story and I hope he has some advice. "Listen Mark, it's just a dream and it's really early in the morning and boy you have a lot of energy to ahhahhahmmm sorry I yawn a lot at this time in the morning but anyway don't worry about it and I'll see you at eight, bye," says Jacob with a serious sleepy voice. "Bye," I add. I press end on my cell phone and get ready to go to school. I hop into the shower and put the temperature to warm which I usually do because I love warm water and my favorite part of the day is my shower, it's so relaxing and calming and nothing bothers me in the shower. All my worries seem to float away in the shower but as soon I as I get out all of the worries and thoughts fly back into my head and I begin to worry again. I worry a lot actually. It's basically like a disorder and I can't help but worry what is to come and worry if something I did in the past is going to hurt me in any way. I dry off quickly realizing that I had a really long shower but I forgave myself because I knew I really needed it. I go and put on my uniform which actually looks quite good on me and who can argue the fact that you don't have to buy all of the top names to fit in because everyone has to wear the same level of clothing, also there is no grubby kids that wear an old ratty shirt or you know those emo kids with their black and depressive clothes. Nope just everyone the same and that's the way I like it. I open the box of Frosted Flakes which is my all time favorite cereal. Splash some 1% on them and eat away. I love it so much that once I'm done I pour myself another bowl. Mom walks in and gives me a quick smile then heads for her coffee. Don't mess with mom when she hasn't got her coffee in her, I don't really understand why coffee is the liquid God of everybody. If you have ever been to Canada or you know, live here, then you know that there is a place called Tim Hortons on every on other street corner. It's insane! And even with all of the locations, there is still a huge lineup at each one. Canadians like their coffee eh?! I tried it a couple of times but no matter how old I get my taste buds just reject that awful taste. I don't need coffee anyway because I usual wake up and I am ready to go in just a few minutes. I walk over to the television which either showed me my vacation was possible or that Jacob being lost was possible so I wasn't sure whether to hug it or kick it so I decided to do neither. If the television production company asks for me to be on the show, I can just recline but I really want to go to Mexico and now I am finally getting a chance to go somewhere I have been waiting to go for 17 years, but do I want to go to Mexico so badly that I'm willing to lose a friend over it? No, it was just a dream. Jacob even said so. I have to stop this worrying, I really do. The phone rings, actually it vibrates. I bring my cell to school and to make sure that teachers don't know I turn vibrate on before I even get into the school. I open the flap and see that it's Jacob so I press Talk which is in green lettering then say, "hello, Jacob? What's up?" "Oh nothing much I was calling to say that I was sorry for being a jerk this morning on the phone and I really appreciate you taking me as your guest, it means a lot. I thought you'd take your mom or something. I really hope that you win, Mexico sounds like fun!" says Jacob with an excited tone. "Jacob, I'll tell you the whole story in the car, well there's actually not much more to it but I don't want to waste your minutes so we can wait. See you soon," I smile into the phone hoping that he can see that I'm smiling and not frowning on the inside because now Jacob really wants to go but he doesn't want my mom going I know that for sure. But if Jacob and I go alone then what happens when Jacob gets lost if he really does. Oh my, I really need to stop worrying about this whole situation and I really need to spend more time looking over my homework. Every single day in the morning even though I think I have the answers right I still go through every thing and check them. You never know when you make a mistake that can be easily fixed. I really care about my marks so I do this on a regular basis. I look up on the microwave clock and see that it is seven fifty five therefore I should probably head down to the parking lot now. I really want to tell Jacob about everything. I need someone I can trust besides my mom because I know what she'll decide and I really do want to go to Mexico so, yes I'll tell Jacob and if he thinks that we shouldn't go and it is a sign then we won't. Done, and now I don't have to think about it till Jacob wants the whole story. I see Jacob come out of the thirty story building at ground level and he waves his large hand. He yells from a distance and I can barely hear him but what I make out from the words are, "Mark, I want you to tell me everything." I motion for Jacob to come letting him know that we need to be in the car to talk. I don't need a bunch of strangers hearing about my crazy weirdo dreams. Jacob walks up to the car and gets him. I follow suit. "So what's the whole story?" asks Jacob putting the SUV into reverse. "Listen Jacob, I just want to know deep down if you think having that dream where you were lost was a sign or not. Also my mom does want to go; but not with me, on her own. She wants me to take you and still come so we can be safe. I didn't even tell her about the dream and she still says that," I explain. "No I don't think it's a sign and it would be really weird having your mom there. Would she be in a different room though?" asks Jacob wanting a certain answer that sadly I cannot give him. "Sadly, she wants to stay in the same room and can't afford to stay in a different room," I say staring into the deep and confusing eyes of my best friend. "Oh, well, I was just wondering what you felt. How do you feel about this Mark?" quizzes Jacob. "I'll go if I win, if you want to that is, but no, I don't want my mom there either so, yeah. I guess that's the whole story. See, I told you it wasn't very long," I say. We pull up to the St. Anne parking lot and I can't help but wonder whether or not people will still be talking about Mrs. Walkworth. Of course not, I mean this is high school were there is a different story everyday. Everyone will be talking about something different by now, it's been one whole day which means half of the students here would have forgotten it. The other half just wouldn't care anymore. Old news is looked down upon and it wasn't even a big deal anyway. I mean once a famous celebrity came to our school because she went here when she was in high school and by the next day people weren't giving a fuss about what had happened a day before. I wonder if Mrs. Walkworth is going to give a lot of work again today. If she does than I know what to say. "Hello Mrs. Walkworth. It's a loving morning out isn't now?" I ask Mrs. Walkworth as I walk into her classroom with a big smile. "A wonderful day indeed. I feel absolutely amazing," smiles Mrs. Walkworth and right then and there I knew she wasn't going to give out a lot of homework. "Take your seats everyone. Today you are going to have homework. I thought about it last night and I decided to give you the same amount of homework that every other teacher gives you, well besides for the physical education class. I actually called the University of Toronto and got a hold of the English teacher there. She is one of my best friends. I'll tell you a story actually: When I was forced to go to teacher college, I hated it but made one friend in particular there. Her name is Mrs. Jenkins. She was the smartest student in the whole school and once she graduated she got to pick what level of schooling she wanted to teach at and what school. She picked University because it pays the highest and at University of Toronto which is the closest University to her house. So I was talking to her about how much homework she gives out in a night and what she said shocked me when she said one half hour of homework. Be aware this is University homework so it's pretty difficult but only one half hour. After talking to Mrs. Jenkins I got on the phone with other grade twelve teachers and found out that they each gave you one half hour for their subjects so all in all I decided to cut the homework load down for you guys and you better thank me." "Thank-you Mrs. Walkworth," everybody in the whole class yells in unity. It sounded really good to tell you the truth because it was not planned or anything. All the students in my class just decided about three seconds after she finished her last words to say thank-you. I and probably many other students were relieved. I might actually have a life now instead of my life being Mrs. Walkworth's homework. I look to the left of me and see the most beautiful girl in the whole school. All year I've been looking back and forth at her and her long straight blonde hair. Her complexion is light brown and looks as though she goes to a tanning salon once in a while. She has absolutely no acne and the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. Her name is Julie Appleton and she is also the most richest kid at our school. She always has a boyfriend buying her flowers or taking her to the movies or taking her out to dinner. I mean no wonder she's so rich, everyone is buying things for her. I also wondered what it would be like to go on a date with her. It would probably cost all my life savings to impress her which I am not willing to give up. Julie looks over and sees me staring at her. I quickly dart my head over into the other direction pretending I was starring at the posters on the wall. I slowly turn the other direction to see if she's still looking at me in disgust but to my surprise when I look at her she's starring at me, not with a frown but with a smile. I smile back then look back at Mrs. Walkworth who is trying to teach a lesson. I feel a nudge on my arm. I look over and see it's a note, Julie is giving me a note. She only gives notes to her best friends and crushes. Maybe it just went through her to me. She probably didn't write it. I open the folded piece of paper to read in beautiful hand writing; I saw you starring at me Mark so I starred back. I have a boyfriend but I like you to. Love Julie. Oh my goodness, it was from Julie. I automatically look at Julie and blow her a kiss. She blows one back but before the imaginary kiss gets to me, Mrs. Walkworth stands beside our desks and says, "quit interrupting me you love birds!" Uh-oh. Mrs. Walkworth just blew it and now the whole class is going to know then spread it to the rest of the school and her boyfriend goes to this school and he happens to be on the wrestling team and football team and a heavy weightlifter. He could probably lift me up in one arm, throw me into the air and punch me down. I'm dead! I take a big gulp and hear murmurs from the class and know for sure that I'm dead. I can't believe this. I begin to cry on the inside but I don't dare show any emotion on the outside. Out of the blue, Julie stands up and stares at everyone talking to each other about what just happened and says, " enough already! I obviously don't like this guy and I love my boyfriend, I was just making him feel good." I swear a tear began to come down my cheek so I wiped it off with my hand. This is the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life. I want to go lay down and die somewhere before I want to keep on going with this day. I thought for sure that Julie liked me but I guess she was just trying to make me feel good. I should have known that I'm not the type of person that she would go out with. I'm so stupid. By lunch, every single person was talking about what happened. Well at least I was right about everyone will be over the Mrs. Walkworth thing but for once in my life I wish I was wrong because now all of the hype is about me and it doesn't feel good. "Hey Mark, you better watch out. I think Steve is coming in soon. You're so dead man. I really want to see this," says a person who I have never met before but now everyone knows who I am so it really doesn't matter if I know them. Gulp. I see Steve who by the way is Julie's boyfriend if you haven't figured that one out yet. He looks angry which is perfectly normal when you want to cream a little person like me. Actually I'm not little and I workout and all it's just that Steve is like the next Terminator so I don't really have a chance. His group of friends follow behind him, all are smaller than him but I guess look up to him for some reason and follow him around all of the time. This is just perfect. I want to run but I know that he would catch me or one of his friends would catch me then probably do worst things. I call over Jacob to sit with me so at least I will have someone sort of big to fend for me. He quickly runs over and sits down just in time for Steve to say something. "Hey scrawny! I heard that you were trying to steal my girlfriend!" Steve shouts with anger. My palms are like puddles of water floating on top of my skin so I rub them onto my pants and wish myself luck. " Well she doesn't like me so what's your point?" I ask with uncertainty. "My point is that nobody tries to take my girl," Steve says with great power. He unzips his sweater to reveal his muscle shirt underneath. I guess he was trying to get some attention when he put up his biceps and flexed for the students to see. His muscles were huge and I wondered how many hours he spent at a gym or if he took steroids. Cheers came from around the cafeteria, mostly from girls but some guys also cheered for the sake of him attacking me to a pulp. He walks over right to my face and punches me across my cheek. Blood is spurting everywhere and with great power I stand up and punch him right back right in the same place where he punched me. Nothing happened to him of course but all of my friends take me back to my seat. I see blood all over and feel very dizzy and I want to throw up. I see that Steve is just touching his cheek like it just stung a little but I could see inside that it really did hurt him. That made me feel a bit better but what made me feel worse was that Steve took his hand away from his cheek and screamed, "I win!" He also flexed his unusually large biceps again to show that he was the ruler of the school and that if anyone tried to mess with him they would be bleeding. "I hate him so much," I said between heavy breaths. "We all do," said Jacob with a sigh. I wished I was dead again so when my group of friends went to their classes and I was stuck alone that I wouldn't be tortured. The end of lunch bell rang just at the time when I didn't want it to ring. I began to cry but didn't care because I deserved a cry. I was humiliated in front of the whole school and punched by the strongest guy around. I was in serious pain so I got up and walked out of the cafeteria toward the nurses office. I open the door trying to get away from the crowds of people wanting to ask what happened and how I felt. The nurse walked over to me and grabbed some tissues, put them over my face and told me to sit down. "What happened to you?" the nurse asked wondering what the heck happened. "Long story," I replied without enthusiasm. "Well your not going back to class so I have time and you have time," the nurse replies trying to sneak an answer out of me. "Okay, I might as well tell you because if I don't then any other kid in the school will and he or she might change it so it's probably better if I tell the truth about what happened. It all started this morning when Julie and I were caught passing notes and blah blah blah and Mrs. Walkworth said something in front of the class which I forget what but anyway everyone in the class told everyone in the school and everyone in the school includes Julie's boyfriend who has a very bad temper by the way and at lunch he made a big deal about his muscles and then punched me and then showed off his muscles again then left and the end of lunch bell rang and now I'm here," I told the nurse. "Steve Richardson punched you? You're still talking? You're still breathing? Wow," replies the nurse obviously shocked. "You know who Julie is and who her boyfriend is and his last name and what Julie I was talking about?" I said astonished. "Well I know the popular people because they always come in here to skip class and they always talk about their life. I don't get mad at them because it's sort of my hobby to hear all of the problems in the school and who's dating who," the nurse says with a smile. "Right," I reply slowly pronouncing each letter. "Steve is huge, I mean he's always at my gym and I talk to people who were there before me and they say that he was there before they got there and it's pretty unbelievable. He sure gets his gym membership money out of it that's for sure. To tell you the truth I don't think he's on steroids which is very surprising considering his strength," the nurse wonders. "I really don't want to leave this room. I really don't feel like being bothered right now. I just want to stay in this chair till everybody leaves then ride the city bus home in a very large coat where nobody will notice me," I say in a depressing tone. The nurse’s nameplate flashes its golden letters at me. It says “Paddy”. Paddy begins to laugh, I look at her. "People might think that your a terrorist," nurse Paddy replies. "Fine, then can you tell Jacob to wait for me after school until everyone else leaves then we can go home?" I ask Paddy hoping that she will say yes and that I won't have to face my fears. "Sure." I put a very large smile on my face.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080224152435AApUWhR

does anyone want to read this i know its so wierd but maybe any yahooligans here wanted to see it caution
The Basics Where does fart gas come from? The gas in our intestines comes from several sources: air we swallow, gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, gas produced by chemical reactions in our guts, and gas produced by bacteria living in our guts. What is fart gas made of? The composition of fart gas is highly variable. Most of the air we swallow, especially the oxygen component, is absorbed by the body before the gas gets into the intestines. By the time the air reaches the large intestine, most of what is left is nitrogen. Chemical reactions between stomach acid and intestinal fluids may produce carbon dioxide, which is also a component of air and a product of bacterial action. Bacteria also produce hydrogen and methane. But the relative proportions of these gases that emerge from our anal opening depend on several factors: what we ate, how much air we swallowed, what kinds of bacteria we have in our intestines, and how long we hold in the fart. The longer a fart is held in, the larger the proportion of boring, inert nitrogen it contains, because the other gases tend to be absorbed into the bloodstream through the walls of the intestine. A nervous person who swallows a lot of air and who moves stuff through his digestive system rapidly may have a lot of oxygen in his farts, because his body didn't have time to absorb the oxygen. Encyclopaedia Britannica offers the intriguing statement that some people's farts contain no methane. The reason for this is apparently unknown. Some researchers suspect a genetic influence, whereas others think the anomaly is due to environmental factors. However, all methane in any farts comes from bacterial action and not from human cells. What makes farts stink? The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts. Why do farts make noise? The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus. How much gas does a normal person pass per day? On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell. How does a fart travel to the anus? One may wonder why fart gas travels downward toward the anus when gas has a lower density than liquids and solids, and should therefore travel upwards. The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal. Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal contents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit. When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate upwards again, but they won't get very far due to the complicated and convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up nor down when a person is lying down. How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose? Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity, temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls. Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to smell? Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several seconds for the odor to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them. Is it true that some people never fart? No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death. Do even movie stars fart? Yes, of course. So do grandmothers, priests, kings, presidents, opera singers, beauty queens, and nuns. Even Yoda farts. Do men fart more than women? No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do. Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts? Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not. At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart? A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household. Why are beans so notorious for making people fart? Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence. What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual? People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatulence. Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end? No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps. Is it harmful to hold in farts? There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much. How long would it be possible to not fart? As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake! Do all people fart in their sleep? I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumlates in the night and they vent it upon awakening. Where do farts go when you hold them in? How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed. How can one cover up a fart? There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to absorb the odor of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can. Is it really possible to ignite farts? The answer to that is yes! However, you should be aware that people get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is not more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon. Why is it possible to burn farts? Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame. Is it possible to light a match with a fart? No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren't hot enough to initiate combustion. Are there any books about farting? There are several! My favorite is the new book, Who Cut the Cheese: A Cultural History of the Fart by Jim Dawson. This book provides an entertaining and thought-provoking history of the fart in literature, language and society. It is very informative and very funny! Ben Franklin's classic Fart Proudly is still in print. There is a collection of suggestive photographs called Who Farted Now by St. Martin's Press. Most of the photos come from old movies and political shots. For children, we have the famous The Gas We Pass : The Story of Farts by Shinta Cho, and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum (Translator), and the Canadian picture book, Good Families Don't, by Alan Daniel and Robert N. Munsch, about a highly visible fart infesting a proper middle class family. Is it possible for a talented person to earn a living through flatulence? Few people earn their living directly via flatulence. But a friend of mine says that he saw a carnival act in which the performer whistled tunes with his farts, blew out candles on the opposite side of the stage, and sent flames all the way across the stage. A famous performer who earned his living this way was Le Petomane, who performed in France at the beginning of the 20th Century. However, my friend isn't old enough to have seen Le Petomane, so maybe he had a chance to see Mr. Methane. Mr. Methane lays claim to the distinction of being the world's only performing flatulist. His CD can be purchased at the FartMart. However, people may also earn a living through the prevention of flatulence (as do the manufacturers and sellers of Beano and other products), through the practice of medicine specializing in the treatment of flatulence and other gastrointestinal problems, by writing books about flatulence (see the question before this one), and through the production and sales of various fart gags such as whoopee cushions and farts in a can. Fartypants sells a fart filter and a number of other fart-related products. Ultratech Products, Inc., sells the Flatulence Filter, "an activated carbon air filter disguised as a seat cushion." (This link was discovered by Steve of Boulder, CO.) Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll be able to find a copy of Le Petomane's biography by searching at alibris.com. Last time I checked, they had two copies available! What other fart products are available? You can visit the FartMart to obtain an astounding number of wonderful fart products, including the famous Crepitation Contest CD, and several other recordings, Pull-My-Finger Fred (a doll that responds with farts and wisecracks), whoopie cushions and a variety of other fart-noise generating products (some of which are quite high tech), some products which produce a fart-like odor, prosthetic poop, fart sludge, and the famous Fart Machine. Why do dog and cat farts smell so bad? A carnivore's protein-rich diet produces relatively small amounts of intensely stinky gas because proteins contain lots of sulfur. A dog's or cat's farts are rarely audible, but the odor is overwhelming. I have asked biologists why dogs and cats generally fart silently, and their theories include: (1) the amount of gas produced is small, but potent, (2) the horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure on the anal opening, so the gas is expelled more slowly, (3) their anal sphincters don't close as tightly as humans' because it takes less force to hold in the contents of the colon -- again because of the horizontal orientation of the gastrointestinal system -- and a loose anus makes less sound, and, my favorite (4) dogs and cats don't feel embarrassed about farting, so their sphincters are more relaxed, leading to less noisy flatulence. Mike F. points out that many dog foods are soy-based, so on top of all the above factors, add beans and stand back! Large herbivorous animals such as cows, horses and elephants, on the other hand, produce vast quantities of relatively non-stinky fart gas. The farts of these animals are noisy and can go on for astoundingly long periods of time. Cows in particular are productive, in part because they swallow huge amounts of air. They need oxygen in their guts for the various protozoa employed there as digestive aids. Is it normal for dogs to like the smell of human farts? Yes, any odor that we find disgusting smells delicious to a dog. Dogs respond to the smell of farts, rotting fish, and carrion the same way we respond to the smell of bacon frying or cookies baking. A dog will often sniff the butt of the farter in order to inhale as much of the odor as possible. I have heard only one story about a dog being disconcerted by a fart. According to a friend, her brother once delivered a fart so evil that it made the dog sneeze, shake his head, and paw at his nose. That was either an unusual fart or an unusual dog. Do fish fart? According to our ichthyologist at the University of Guam, fish flatulence per se has not been studied, although people have investigated fish digestion. They find that although most fish have alkaline intestinal environments like our own, coral-eating fish have acidic intestinal contents. The acid serves to dissolve coral skeletal material. Coral has the same composition as Tums (calcium carbonate). One product of the reaction between acid and calcium carbonate is carbon dioxide gas. Therefore, it is logical to assume that coral-eating fish fart a lot. The other fish probably fart also, for the same reasons that we do. However, Mike Pulte, a great fish enthusiast, said that he has never seen a fish do it. I asked our ichthyologist if it were possible that fish gas would go into the swim bladder instead of out the anal opening. He said that modern fish have an air bladder that is independent of the gastrointestinal tract. The gas comes from enzymatic activity and not from the intestine. Older models of fish have their swim bladder connected to the gastrointestinal tract, but it is attached high up, closer to the mouth than to the other end, and these fish come to the surface and gulp air to fill the bladder. Therefore, we can assume that intestinal gas leaves the fish through the anal opening. We also pondered the possibility of fish making noise via flatulence, but apparently most fish noises are made through belching rather than farting. Lisa P., an aquarium enthusiast, reports that she has seen her fish fart: "I have four aquariums and many fish, and I have personally witnessed fish farting! My goldfish used to do it all the time! You'd see a little bubble come out of his anus and stay there, trapped in the mucus of a long string of poop. (Ugh!) And my opaline gourami does it too. Neither of these are coral-eating fish. I have only owned two coral-eating fish so far, but I have never seen either of them fart. It seems most likely to me that much of this gas comes from air swallowed during eating. Also, goldfish have a very simple digestive system and their food is absorbed inefficiently, so possibly the bacteria have more to feed on" Do turtles fart? Yes, turtles do fart, and their farts smell incredibly bad, as do the farts of snakes. In fact, it is my opinion, based on personal experience with reptiles and not on any formal research, that many reptiles use farts as a weapon. Reptile farts smell so bad that sometimes you can tell that one is nearby in the woods, even on a windy day, before you can see the animal. One day I was hiking through the woods in Arkansas with a friend and I told my friend, "I smell a snake fart." A second later, the snake crawled across the path. Astounding but true! In an article published in the December 2000 issue of Discover, "the world's leading expert on snake sounds," Bruce Young of LaFayette College in Easton, Pennsylvania, affirmed that snakes do fart. The sonoran coral snake and the western hook-nosed snake fart with an audible popping sound when disturbed. Why do horse farts smell worse than people's farts? I'm not sure that horse farts smell worse than our farts, but they do smell different. Horses have a different diet from us and different gut microbes, so their farts have a different composition. They also fart more voluminously than humans, and the volume of the gas can be overwhelming if one is unfortunate enough to be near a farting horse indoors. What kind of animal has the highest worldwide output of flatulence? Believe it or not, the animal that wins this honor is the humble termite. Because of their diet and digestive processes (with more than the usual microbial assistance), they produce as much methane as human industry. Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor towards global warming. Is it true that cow farts contribute to global warming? Recent research has shown that most methane produced by cows and sheep emerges from the mouth rather than the anus. So one could more accurately say that cow and sheep belches are contributing to global warming. New Zealand researchers are investigating methods of breeding methane-free sheep. Is there any kind of animal that doesn't fart? If we define a fart to be an anal escape of intestinal gas, then it follows that animals that lack intestines or an anus cannot fart. Most animals possess intestines and an anus, but there are some that don't. These include: Sponges: These organisms lack true tissues and organs. They have just a few types of cells organized into a bag with holes in it. Water flows into some holes and out other holes. Sponges are so different from other animals that some biologists think we shouldn't even call them animals. Cnidaria: This phylum includes the jellyfish, corals, sea anemones and hydra. Their tissues are organized into a bag with a mouth surrounded by stinging tentacles. Food enters the mouth and is digested inside the bag, after which the leftovers are expelled via the same opening. In effect, the same hole serves as both a mouth and an anus. Any gas expelled by a cnidarian would be more appropriately termed a belch rather than a fart, since the animal lacks intestines and separate anus. Pogonophoran worms: These remarkable animals, who dwell on the sea floor near active volcanic regions associated with mid-ocean ridges, possess no mouth, no stomach, no intestines, and no anus. Apparently they retain their svelte, worm-shaped figures by giving up on eating completely! They survive by means of a mutualistic relationship with chemosynthetic bacteria that live in their flesh. Anyway, these animals cannot possibly fart. A second category of animals that probably don't fart are animals that live very deep underwater. At high pressures, gas remains in solution rather than forming bubbles. So there is a good chance that all those clams, echinoderms, fish and other animals living near the seafloor don't fart because their farts stay in solution and never emerge as bubbles, even though the animals possess perfectly good intestines and anuses. Is it possible to leave a brown spot on your pants because of a fart, and if so, what causes it? Judging from what I see when I do the laundry, I'd say that the answer to the first question is definitely yes. As for the causes, we must remember that what we call "fart" and what we call "poop" are just end-members of a continuum. That is, we can have a pure fart, or a pure poop, or anything in-between, depending upon the admixture of the two. If a sample consists mostly of poop with only a small fart component, you get such things as jet-propelled bowel movements and spongy, floating fecal masses (you know, the ones that refuse to be flushed down the toilet -- they keep popping back up). If the sample consists mostly of fart with only a small poop component, you get what is known as "skid marks" or "fart art." These can also result from inadequate wiping, but the shape of the stain is different in the two cases. Inadequate wiping leads to elongate marks parallel to one's crack, usually with well-defined edges, whereas fart art is generally more circular and has an air-brushed look. Fart art is most likely to occur if (1) a person is suffering from diarrhea, (2) the person is trying too hard to fart, and (3) the person mistakenly perceives the pressure against his sphincter to be gas pressure rather than liquid pressure. Again, that last situation is most likely to occur if the person is afflicted with diarrhea. How can we tell when it's only gas needing to come out, rather than something more serious? Our ability to distinguish between the need to fart and the need to poop is something that we learn gradually in the process of toilet training and early childhood. With the tactile nerve endings in the rectal area, we can actually feel different sensations depending upon what is waiting by the exit. Of course, sometimes we are fooled, especially if the substance at hand is extremely fluid in nature, and that is when we have the unfortunate accident of venting a squirt of diarrhea rather than an innocent fart. What is the best position for farting? That depends on what you are trying to achieve. Years and years ago, I read a novel (can't remember which) that had a character in it who was plagued with intestinal gas pain. The character would coax farts out by getting down on all fours with her butt in the air, pressing her thighs against her belly. So perhaps this is the best position for farting if you are having difficulty getting them to come out. Back when I was in geology field camp, we would sit around the campfire in the evening and ignite our flatulence. It was a ritual. When a fart was ready to emerge, the farter would announce, "I have one." And everyone else would intone, "Assume the proper position." The farter would lie back on his or her shoulders with back propped up, head between the knees, and posterior in the air. The purpose was to give the person with the match easy access to the critical vent. Expert farters of my acquaintance often shift their weight onto one leg and lift the other slightly when farting. I assume that this position is adopted less to aid in the farting process than to signal that a fart is imminent. Why do chicks always deny farting? I suppose I should start by saying that only some chicks deny farting. The rest of us acknowledge our gaseous accomplishments with pride. However, a great many sisters do deny farting. The reason is that they have been misled into thinking that farts are not ladylike. It is a great mistake to say that farting is not ladylike. The reason is that all people fart, including ladies. Anything that ladies do is by definition ladylike, and that includes the emission of anal gases. Is it possible that, by inhaling other people's farts all day long, my own farts will smell more? No, inhaled farts would go into the lungs rather than into the digestive system, and would simply be exhaled again, although it might be possible that some of the fart components might be absorbed into the blood. If you wanted to benefit from other people's farts in the way you describe, you would have to swallow them somehow. Is it possible to get stoned after inhaling two or three farts in a row? I am not aware of any intoxicating agents in flatulence. However, most farts contain very little oxygen, and you may experience dizziness if you are inhaling overly concentrated fart essence, simply from lack of oxygen. On the other hand, if you are inhaling farts in the open air and are breathing rapidly in order to inhale as much fart as possible, you may be hyperventilating, which also induces dizziness. Then there is the intrinsic hilarity factor: farts are so funny in both sound and odor that you might feel high just from the basic entertainment value of farts. Is it possible for a fart to kill you? A great many of you have asked if farts can be fatal, or if you can die from smelling a particularly bad fart. My initial response to this question was "no," but I thought I'd better ask a doctor. So now it is official, the medical opinion I received is no, a fart can't kill you. However, if you really work hard at it, you can manage to kill yourself with just about anything. I recently read of a man who hooked up his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation. This story comes from the Darwin Awards, and I personally cannot attest to the overall veracity of their stories. The story of the bed-bound obese man who died from inhaling his own flatulence (and whose farts almost killed the paramedics) is an urban legend that has been in circulation for some time. But according to Buzzbomb43, whom I quote: "In World War Two, the Air Force estimates that around 1000 to 2000 airmen were killed because of flatulence. The reason is B-17 bombers were not pressurized, so when bomber crews operated around 20,000 feet, the gas would expand and rupture their intestines." Now, that is a nasty way to go! There are also, of course, (in)famous stories about excessive farters that bio-hazard small toilet rooms, and when they try to light a cigarette the flame ignites the gas-rich-environment causing an explosion. My personal view about such stories is one of doubt. When you smoke and you fart does it make it smell any worse? (Brittney) Only if you swallow the cigarettes after smoking Brittney. If you settle for traditional smoking (inhaling) - the smoke will travel to your respiratory system and not to your digestive system and hence will have little-to-no effect on the odour of your farts. Of course, a minute mass of smoked Nicotine can (and does) migrate from the respiratory system into blood vessels and downstream to the digestive system (Nicotine is actually a known laxative), but the proportions are too small to contribute dearly to the odours you contribute. However, if you do swallow your cigarettes after smoking - its a different ball game. Cigarettes are produced with measures of Ammonia which certainly intensify gaseous odours. My advise for you therefore is not to swallow. I am guessing the reason why certain people think cigarettes might intensify the bad smell of a fart has to do with the fact both farts and cigarettes produce bad odours. I don't think however that this is a case of competing bad odours that in blend will create a third - even worst odour. Last, while I do not advise you to ever quit farting - I do strongly advise to quit smoking. Can excessive farting cause impotence? That depends on the tolerance level of the person with whom one is trying to be potent! Fortunately for humans, farting doesn't cause tissue damage. Other animals aren't so lucky. Soldier termites can actually turn themselves into bombs by detonating themselves via the explosive release of gas and feces, a process called "autothysis." Is it possible to inhale (suck in air) via one's anal opening? Yes, but it's a rare talent. The great early 20th Century French flatulist, Le Petomane, was able to do this, and in fact was able to suck up an entire bowlful of water (just the water, not the bowl) into his colon and expel it again with considerable force. By sucking in large quantities of air, he was able to perform lengthy shows on stage, and could imitate musical instruments, farm animals, and bird songs, whistle melodies, and play the ocarina. His productions were said to be virtually odorless, which is to be expected from air obtained directly from the outside. Here is a message I received recently (November, 1999) regarding the skill of inhaling via the anus: "i would just like you to know that i am part of a trio, who can suck in air in our anal openings. we are somewhat air-bandits. we can let the longest farts you have ever heard. our record holder, chad, stands at 24 sec. the record for most farts in a row is derek, at 492. and i, robert, have earned such nicknames as: Mad Crapper, gurglemeister, and old wetful. We have followed Le Petomane example, and have mastered the art of farting." Jason W. says, "I am a 16 year old guy that is a part of a 3-man fart on command group. We get together every Saturday night andpractice our talent to songs with a good beat. We accomplish this by getting on our hands and knees, completely relaxing, and our butt hole just opens up and air just seeps into our colons. We then get into position and let them rip. We can so far play a song called "THE EYE OF THE TIGER" (Rocky 3 theme song). We came across another group of 4 guys that can do this during the winter of 2001. We started to get together with them more frequently, and now we have a full fledged band going all on farting...We are going to try to make a CD on some songs we know, but no one wants to let us...I personally have let a fart go for about 75 seconds. On average each Saturday night we let off about 1000 farts EACH! The only problem with flatulating when we want is that now 2 of us can't help but sucking in air through our anus when we sit down." Jason has also provided the following instructions for people who would like to acquire this skill: 1) Get a pillow and a soft surface. 2) Place your ear on the pillow with your head turned sideways. 3) Put your butt up in the air, bringing your knees as close up to your head as possible. This relaxes your anal opening. 4) Once you're relaxed enough, you should feel a strange sensation...this is air traveling into your colon. 5) Through practice you will be able to do this by just sitting down. Adam reports that a student at his high school, known as "The King" could fart "God Save the Queen" by alternately inhaling and exhaling through his anus. The students refered to the inhaling process as "input." Is it possible to swallow smoke and then fart it out your anus? No, smoke consists of solid particles suspended in air. When such a mixture enters the digestive system, the solids condense on the walls and other objects in the gut, or go into suspension in liquids in the system. However, for people capable of inhaling through the anus, it is possible to smoke a cigarette with the anal opening and then blow the smoke back out. What causes the burning sensation that sometimes accompanies a fart? This is generally caused by a recent meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one's gastrointestinal system. If you fart in the bathtub, is the water polluted and should you refill the tub? As long as what comes out is only fart and no poop, your bath water should not be significantly polluted. Most of the gas just bubbles up and contaminates the air rather than the water. Is it true that a woman can fart out of her, shall we say, frontal opening, and if so, where does the gas come from? Yes, it is true! The gas that emerges is simply trapped air, for there is no gas production in the genitalia of a woman. The air can enter because the system is open to the outside. This highly specialized kind of fart is sometimes called a queef. This occurs especially frequently during the sex act, when air in the genitalia gets compressed and is forced out at high pressure. Can a man fart out of his genital opening? I have asked various men this question and they all deny it emphatically. However, elrondh contributed the information that under certain rare and artificially-induced circumstances, a man might pass gas through his penis. In this case, the man's bladder had been inflated for a medical procedure, the air introduced via catheter inserted through the urethra. This gas escaped during later attempts to urinate, "accompanied by a brief but sharp burning sensation." Is it possible to capture a fart in a jar and save it for later use? It should be theoretically possible to do this, but there would be lots of logistical problems. I would suggest using a plastic bag instead of a jar. You might try the following as a science fair experiment: Fart into several plastic bags and seal them carefully. Then fill several other plastic bags with ordinary air. Wait 24 hours. Then get volunteers to smell the contents of the bags to see if they can correctly identify which ones contain the farts. This should tell you if it is possible to store a fart in any useful way. Malachi and Megaera have come up with a way to capture a fart in a jar. They say to do it in the bathtub while bathing. Fill the jar with bath water and then hold it with the open end downward. Lean back in the bathtub so that your fart bubbles will emerge in front of you rather than behind you where you can't see them. Catch the bubbles in the jar, and put the lid on the jar while it's still underwater. This way, you capture a fairly pure fart uncontaminated by atmospheric air. To enjoy your captured fart to the fullest extent, make sure that your jar does not already smell like whatever was it it before, like pickles or peanut butter. Meep wrote to say that her fiancé was an expert fart collector at the age of ten. He used Kodak film canisters, and kept them on a shelf in his room. Experiments on his mother proved the efficacy of his method. Is it weird to enjoy farting? It is not unusual to enjoy farting. I believe that enjoyment of farting is a healthy attitude, since everyone has to fart. If a person is farting to the extent that it creates problems and unhappiness, then a visit to a doctor is in order. Is it common for people to enjoy smelling their own farts? I believe that it is not only common, it is universal. A person farts and then thinks, at least subconsciously, "Wow, I made that!" Can farting be considered sexy? Everything imaginable, and many things not imaginable, can be considered sexy by humans. However, the female southern pine beetle exudes a pheromone called frontalin in her flatulence that not only serves to attract males but acts as a general gathering call to both males and females of her species. Her farts are an invitation to an orgy. Unfortunately for her, her frontalin-laden farts also attract predators. What color is a fart? Farts are, alas, colorless. All of the gases that make up farts have no inherent color. But just think of how interesting it would be if farts were bright orange like nitrogen dioxide gas! It would certainly take the mystery out of who farted. Never-the-less, a high-personality gas like fart gas suggests color to people. Some people envision farts as brown, others as green or yellow. I have always thought of farts as brown, presumably because poop is brown. When someone farts in our car, that person might say, "You better not breathe through your mouth for awhile, or your teeth will turn brown." I knew a toddler who used to draw pictures of farts as yellow rectangles full of holes, like a slice of Swiss cheese. She thought of farts as yellow, and said that she knew they were rectangular because she could feel the sharp corners scraping against her on the way out! Ernie C. suggests that if farts were visible, they would look like pork rinds. Helen says, "It always seemed to me like farts were lumps of coal, black in color and irregularly spherical in shape." Do other people smell a fart better than the farter? The fart should smell just as much for the person who created it as it does for other people. However, the farter is somewhat protected by having the fart propelled away from his body in a direction opposite to his nose. Farting upwind nullifies this advantage. Why is it that when you scratch your *** through two layers of clothing (your underwear and your jeans) your fingers still stink? As pointed out by Barb F., who contributed the term to the fart thesaurus, a fart can be regarded as "aerosolized poop," which means that microscopic fragments and droplets of poop are actually distributed throughout the gaseous matrix of the fart. When delivered from the anus with some force, the components of the fart can penetrate one's clothing and these tiny particles can be trapped in the fibers of the cloth. The particles are transferred to your fingers and then your nose when you scratch and sniff. Why is it sometimes possible to taste farts? The sense of taste detects substances that are either liquid or dissolved in liquid. You can taste a fart when the fart's constituent molecules go into solution in your saliva. Do fart particles disperse in the air and float around until they hit something and then stick to it? The ultimate fate of fart particles depends on the nature of the particles. Gas molecules mostly mix into the atmosphere, although some may react chemically to form new substances. Aerosolized particles of liquid and solid poop probably do condense on surfaces. Most of these particles are polar (with a positively charged end and a negatively charged end) and are attracted to other polar substances or charged surfaces like a monitor screen. Other fart particles condense on microscopic water droplets in the air if the humidity is very high (as in a bathroom), and some particles go into solution in water. Is it possible to have bloody farts? Yes, this can happen if you are suffering from an anal fissure, a split in the wall of the colon. It can also happen to a woman who experiences a queef during her period. Why do farts seem to follow the farter? I'm sure that everyone has experienced this phenomenon, in which one delivers oneself forth of a silent but potent gaseous emission and then steps rapidly away, only to have the fart cling to one's person. Part of the reason for this annoying characteristic of farts is the turbulence that follows in the wake of a moving person. The fart "slip streams" or is actually pulled along in the farter's direction by the air currents behind the person. Another factor is that part of the fart is caught in the farter's clothing, and diffuses out slowly after the main part of the emission has dispersed. Why do farts smell so much worse in a shower than anywhere else? There are several factors. First of all, a shower is a small, enclosed space, so the fart gas is more concentrated, and the high turbidity of the air in the shower circulates the gas through the space effectively. Secondly, the high humidity and high temperature conditions in the shower enhance a person's sense of smell and taste. The farts don't actually smell worse, it's just that we can smell them better than usual. Similar conditions prevail in the bathtub. What would happen if someone farted on Venus? If Venus's surface temperature were a mere 200 to 300 degrees Fahrenheit, liquid water could exist there because of Venus's extremely high atmospheric pressure. But the temperature on Venus is almost 900 degrees Fahrenheit. Because humans are mostly water, a person would not simply emit gas on Venus, but would become gas, a whole-body fart. Venus already has a lot of sulfur compounds in its atmosphere, so a fart on Venus probably wouldn't even produce much of a smell. If you were in space without a suit, would a fart have the energy to propel you forward? Yes, a fart should propel you forward, since there is virtually no opposing force in the form of friction or gravity to counteract the force of the fart. Is it possible to freeze farts, and would they still be smelly after they are defrosted? The water vapor component of farts would freeze quite readily, but to freeze the entire fart would require high pressure and low temperature conditions such as that used to produce dry ice. The fart's composition would be unchanged by the process, and hence would still be smelly upon reversion to the gaseous state. Is it possible for a fart to rip your underwear? This is unlikely, because most underwear is made of material with a fairly high tensile strength, meaning that it can endure a certain level of extensional stress without brittle failure. Furthermore, the porous nature of underwear fabrics allows much of the fart's force to pass through the spaces rather than to stress the fabric. Where does the word "fart" come from? According to Eric Partridge in his excellent book of word origins (Origins: A Short Etymological Dictionary of Modern English), our word fart comes from the Old English word feortan, presumably of echoic origin, meaning that the word was chosen to sound like the object named. When it is cold outside and you fart, can you see it like you can see your breath? Now, that's an interesting idea! My guess would be yes, since farts are nice and moist like our breath, but this is one question that I'm not in a position to answer. I live in the tropics, and it never gets cold here. Several people have tried the experiment and have written to tell me the results. Most people said that they could indeed see their farts, but one person said that he couldn't see it even with his pants off. Here is what anywhere32 reported: "In the boys' locker room after morning water polo practice it was cold out and one of the players only had on his speedo and let out a fart. About four of us saw it and couldn't contain our laughter for the rest of the day." John of the UK said, "Farts expelled in cold air leave what can only be described as a long bushy tail. This is quite funny waiting on a train station platform on a cold dark frosty morning. A person will move away from everyone to a safe distance, and then release a long quiet fart, only to have a sudden and dramatic long bushy white tail coming from their anus; it goes down a little way and slowly curves up ending in a point, just like a dogs tail!" What are some other words for fart? The word "fart" is both a noun (referring to the substance and the sound), and a verb (referring to the act of farting). i seriously have no idea how this was posted as r & s!!!! but i hope u enjoy it as wierd as it is! i just copied and pasted it!! i thought it was funny
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070908194425AAc83Jg

i need help finding some printable baby shower games
All the baby shower printable games im finding you either have to pay for them or you have to buy software to have them. does anyone know of any sites that let you print for free? or where i could get some ideas from and maybe make them myself?! thanks so much! :)
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bridal shower games ideas
I am looking for something for my sisters bridal shower that we can do that will be fun. Possibly printing out games from the internet (free) or something that I can make myself. Any ideas???
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How to find free barchlorette amp baby shower games onlinethat i can print out

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